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Over the past few years, many of my previously long-held and deeply-held beliefs have shifted. These shifts have happened privately and quietly, so anyone who knew me from my past writings or interactions may not realize how my views have changed.
I’m aware of this and often move seamlessly between what feels like two separate worlds: the world of my before-beliefs and perspectives, and the world of my after-beliefs and ideals.
My core remains constant. I still believe in God. I believe Jesus is real, and I want to live according to his wisdom.
I can talk the talk of both worlds. I can talk like a conservative, and I can talk as someone who has more liberal/progressive views.
What I don’t want: to be false.
Last week, I attended a conference where everyone assumed I am one of them. In many ways, I am one of them — at my core. But some of my specific views and approaches have shifted. I get these people and can easily use their phrases and understand their beliefs and ideals. But I no longer agree with them wholeheartedly.
If I speak their language and blend in, am I a chameleon, or am I keeping the peace?
While at the conference, I had a conversation with a woman who confided that she’s mastered the art of the straight, emotionless face when people talk about ideas that conflict with her values. They assume she is like them, but she’s not, so she remains impassive and accepts them as they are. She is a chameleon, but she is a chameleon on a quest to create peace and build bridges. She is true to herself and her values while seeking to remain in relationship, even with people with whom she disagrees.
I admire this friend’s ability to stay silent and to wait for the right moments in which to speak up. Yet, I wrestle with a nagging feeling that I must always clear the air to let people know where I stand.
This month, my team and I are publicly celebrating Pride Month. We are creating content to promote LGBTQ+ authors and their perspectives. We changed our logo to include a progressive pride flag. We are outing ourselves as allies to the LGBTQ+ community.
For those who know my story, this may be a surprising move and may conflict with the stance of those in evangelical Christian circles. This is one of my important shifts: to accept, embrace, include, and celebrate people in the LGBTQ+ community. This is a place I’m not willing to be a chameleon; instead, I’m changing my colors to a rainbow to openly declare my allyship.
What does this mean for building bridges across differences?
Last week, it meant listening with curiosity to someone whose views conflict with my own, getting to know her as a person while trying to understand her perspective, and then unequivocally sharing my own view, which she received with kindness.
We can respect one another as people and honor each other’s journeys without agreeing.
I will continue to navigate how to share my shifting views with people who see me as I once was, with hopes that people will be curious about my shifts even as I show curiosity about their perspectives and journeys.
How about you? How do you show up? Are you a chameleon or are you keeping the peace?
You will find more of these examples in our forthcoming book, Beyond the Politics of Contempt: Practical Steps to Build Positive Relationships in Divided Times. If you liked this post, please check out our other posts, which are available at no cost to subscribers.
I'm so proud of my co-author for writing such an impactful piece. It's difficult sometimes to recognize that building bridges across differences includes "unequivocally sharing our own view," which can be received with kindness in the context of "listening with curiosity to someone whose views conflict with our own." Thank you, Becky!
Hi, Becky, I enjoyed today's clear, straight-to-the-point post. This is really important stuff you are sharing. I think that it is so important for all of us -- across the political spectrum-- to cultivate these skills to start conversations with compassionate listening, to develop rapport and trust so that we, too, can find a hearing for our experiences and values. This enables us to find common ground and build alliances. It is the antidote to polarization and "cancel culture." As you described, it is also important to assess when integrity requires us to take a public stand and, in the words of a Crosby Stills and Nash song, "Let Our Freak Flag Fly." Thank you for that!! Yesterday I listened to a podcast interview with social scientist Hahrie Han, about her 2024 book, "Undivided: The Quest for Racial Solidarity in an American Church." It is the story of courageous, compassionate folks building bridges across race at The Crossroads Church in Cincinnati, Ohio. Those involved were able to organize local voters to pass a referendum that RAISED local taxes and made universal preschool available for all youngsters in Cincinnati-- in 2016-- the same year that Trump won Ohio by an 8-point margin. I think you and your Substack followers would really like the book. And if you want to listen to the podcast, here is the link: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/block-build/id1738919989?i=1000713106017